5 Reasons to Question Monogamy at Elephant Journal

Sketch of ClassicLet’s look at both monogamy and commitment with fresh eyes and consider five reasons to question both cultural ideas.

Let’s not oversimplify the deceit exemplified by Ashley Madison. Widespread cheating suggests sexual impulses exist beyond monogamy.

Many arguments against freer sexuality provoke fear and even persecution exemplified in slut shaming, honor killings and LGBT harassment.

The discovery of trial and error expands our choices. Discovery also exposes our mistakes.

For example, discovering what sex will not do liberates us from our imagination.

I treat lovers as friends—this word means nothing without freedom.

My friends come and go, make love with whoever they wish and speak their minds. If their pursuits separate us, their happiness is still precious. A friendship doesn’t require our desires to be always in harmony. I live in such friendships whether or not the relationship involves sex.  Read More… go to Elephant Journal

Surprising Suppository – Self Deception

Self deception can be agonizing. Most of us have witnessed ourselves or others thinking about some event and creating additional meaning based on our beliefs or prejudice. The significance we add can induce any emotion and be very compelling.  I will give some brief examples and let them stand for countless others. Then expose the way we create meaning.

“She won’t go out with me because I’m old.”

“He didn’t smile back because I’m fat”

“Obama wants bipartisan compromise, therefor he’s a communist, fascist, Muslim, who wants to take away our bibles and make our children gay.”  

Before proceeding let it be said the meanings above “might” be true. Perhaps consider all the things that “might” be assigned to any one of us explaining why we are late. There are far more possible wrong answers then there are correct ones.

The thought experiment. This way to PineappleImagine shoving a pineapple up your ass.

Pineapple SuppositoryIf you gave your conceptual powers to this task you may have winced at the thought.


We disobey this thought quite easily.

Now, imagine your lover or spouse sexing up somebody else.

We should notice that both concepts are constructed of the same substance – thought itself – and moreover coming from the same mind. Notice you were not compelled to insert the pineapple just because you imagined it. Could it also be so with other thoughts? Let’s  look a little closer.

One might say it would be painful to input the tropical fruit into the tush and no reason exists to do so. I completely agree. Why does a difference exist between the thought of the raspy fruit and the ideas about a lover? They are both mental reflections of things in the world. Both events are possible but one seems less likely to actually happen.

Cough, cough… excuse me.

We would not be tempted to identify ourselves with one of the above events. If we use the lover as evidence that we are – who we think we are – then any deviation from the roll we’ve assigned to them becomes a threat to a sense of our-self. Note the same mind constructs the sense of self that imagined the fruit and the excited lover. In other words,  with ideas we can construct a fictitious self and also imagine the meaning for this identity when a conceptual lover has a contrived sexual encounter.

If we take one of our original examples…

“She won’t go out with me because I’m old.”

This kind of thinking prevails in many ways. The mind reproduces the girl and the self and creates an inference based on prejudice. Is it that odd to see a younger woman with an older man? I don’t think so.  Now we see how habits of mind can create a false sense of reality when indeed the whole story looks like the pineapple narrative.

The good news

Pinapple Arrow

We are not obligated to believe or obey any narrative we conceive.

If we view all inference as hypothetical (or Maya as the Buddhists might say) our views of the world can be exchanged easily for better ones. This includes inferences about a self that you couldn’t find if you looked for it.  This identity  disappears in one moment of no mind and yet you still are!

Conceiving of ourselves may be one of the oldest habits. Like chewing gum we can do it without thinking, or consciously, and we can also spit it out.

So many flavors of gum






Religion Frightening Children – A Journey Beyond Belief

Cross DaggerIn remnants left behind by a child, I came across a bookmark made for my father when I probably six years old. Green construction paper cut into a crude arrow scrawled with a cross on one side and the words Happy Fathers Day. Opposite a picture of a white Anglo-Saxon Jesus adorned the strip along with this scriptural passage.

“For by grace are ye saved through faith.”

Ephesians 2:8

It stands as vestige of my time at Bible school and it brought back memories.

Infrequently as a youngster, I found myself with the console TV-Turntable all to myself. On one such occasion, while spinning the dial between the five stations available in rural Beaver Creek I landed upon a passionate televangelist that grasped my attention. This remains in my memory; he spoke of hell in a tone of terrifying importance to a crowd of adult white people. He stated unequivocally that salvation through Jesus and nothing else guaranteed avoidance of the certain tortures he described and that all people were sinners. I took seriously the warning of punishment, having plenty of direct experience with the lash of a belt. The demagogue induced fear that roared in my belly which reinforced his threats.

My mind was burdened with the frightened narrative of a religious firebrand. It played repeatedly like an earworm, each time reflecting the same terror. At one point, the stress became unbearable. I did not want to go to hell. Imagine the author of these words as a child running to a bedroom kneeling and, per the instructions of authority, inviting the lord, with all childish sincerity, to cleans his heart of all wickedness. My terror went away as a result and I experienced a great happiness. A cliché comes to mind. If you are hitting yourself in the head with a hammer, it feels good to stop. A religious authoritarian turned the human power of conception against a child who possessed it. The inferno this preacher described existed only in my mind for I possessed no other reference for it.  The preacher created a fictional problem, mistaken to be real, and then offered a solution.

A turning point in my faith happened with the death of my sister. The affection of my big sister meant more than all others, I was nine at the time. Some well meaning pastor came to counsel the family, probably at my request. Then he started saying some bullshit about Evelyn being in a better place and that god called her to him. I could see the man of god had absolutely no way of knowing any of these things particularly about her location. After all, I among five others carried her body in a fancy box to the grave. I wanted the comfort of god but the inconsolable feeling coupled with the ridiculous explanations kept me swinging from hope to rage. Slowly I became a rebel against this god who through an “act” supposedly took my sister from me. My dissent caused me to explore ideas contrary to those I learned as a child.

Religion bears a great deal of responsibility for the loss of mental freedom by stuffing unfounded and absurd ideas into the minds of those who are suggestible, regardless of any good intentions. It may seem odd that through quieting the mind I realized all spiritual beliefs to be mental. In meditation, we can become conscious of the activity in the mind, seeing beliefs rise and fall like all thoughts, in an unarticulated awareness. A large distance exists between rebelling against a belief and having no reason at all to think it true. The former assumes something real enough to fight while the latter possesses liberty from ideas. This understanding also applies to beliefs about anything we call self.

Freedom remains an un-analyzable notion for we cannot replace it with any object as a definition nor can we break it into any component parts. But what we mean when we say freedom becomes restricted when we treat ideas like they are facts outside the mind. We learn to treat concepts as facts by listening to authoritarians. Knowledge that cannot rest on evidence rests on decree and that method serves all totalitarians. Just watch the mother of a three year old and ask how many things we learned in this way.


Risky Sexual Restraint

A consideration of repressed desire and how it bursts out into unsafe sexual extremes. Using real life examples and metaphor, sexual responsibility gets defined beyond the limits of tradition.

When we have been held back sexually the desire to feel more alive often (unintentionally) leads to more restraint.

Like a caged animal that bursts out with excitement and runs straight into traffic, the desire for sexual joy can go off half cocked, add the use of alcohol and the risk increases. A loss of inhibition coupled with dulled sensation tends toward extremes. When unsafe sex or crazy partners leads to real remorse or misery the idea naturally arises to go back in the cage if it seems safer. The dichotomy of either living more repressed or sexually playing with matches and gasoline creates enormous tension, but this is a black or white fallacy.

Birds stretch their wings and flutter around the nest before the vast sky becomes their playground. Humans need not abandon reason to leave the familiar nest nor do we pretend that a mature bird can’t also get caught by a cat. Let’s distinguish this from a fledgling flopping around on the ground with an excited kitty.

Those who have experiences beyond the Jekyll and Hyde world, perhaps not ideal but certainly worthwhile, are kind to share their experiences and criticisms. But remember nobody knows the outcome of human interactions. If tradition tells us anything, it’s that confidence and strong feeling in an idea doesn’t guarantee anything. What we have done before may not happen again nor can we really be assured of a particular result by imitating others.

For two decades my approach has been that there are many people that are wonderful to love. The trial and error of finding those people is like being in a wandering caravan. The precious freedom to come and go hasn’t stopped some from staying for many years.  Some change from lovers to friends or the reverse. Not everyone has the temperament for such a life but those who do make it juicy.

We don’t need to go crazy to try new things.



Slane Girl and Sex as a Weapon

The pic that launched a thousand insults
The pic that launched a thousand insults

My heart to you Slane Girl. Women are often treated badly when something wild becomes public. Look through the telescope revealing that custom isn’t the center of the universe. If you want a more juicy life, find safe and conscious participants. If on the contrary, the partners are more or less traditional-hypocrites (those words often run together) then the sex may get weapon-ized. Women are usually hit the hardest, as so many ladies have pointed out with the horrible double standard in cyber bullying.

This slane girl event demonstrates again that being sexually adventurous can be very risky for women. Men pay a terrible price for this fear. Some women who would otherwise be quite willing to dare, just to find out if something could feel wonderful, will have one eye open expecting some bullshit like internet mockery or worse. Many just give up the desire or need to get loaded to get beyond the inhibitions. Now we have wild but the sensitivity can be dulled. What a lousy trade off.

Having lived in open sexuality for two decades and also having been in a free love commune where WOMEN could be Oh so wild and respected. I say from experiences outside the madness, that this shaming repression not only FUCKING SUCKS.  It’s also unnecessary.

Pune, India - Osho Commune
Think before bypassing a safe free love environment.

Finding sexually mature independent people may not be easy but consider the alternatives, for example, some half or wholly drunk traditionalists who want pleasure but cling to prude ideas. These beliefs will arise like a cleansing penance for being “bad or dirty” sooner or later, a mild form might be a malaise of shame. The popularity of porn in the American Bible-belt exemplifies this to perfection.

I hope some sex positive women support this young lady (slane girl) as she did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, as so often happens, the sexual impulse may get the blame for an error of judgment. Granting maturity, consent and safety nobody has grounds to foist upon us any idea of how, who, or the quantity of those we should sex up.

Have some compassion for these bodies. They can be so filled with joy that they just tremble with it. I am skeptical of any who say they don’t want such delights. When we look below the surface we will likely see another face, perhaps of one who didn’t get what they wanted, or when they tried they were crushed. I incline to think that envy remains one of the chief culprits that stops the crowd from tolerating OPEN sexual ease-fulness.

Someone and moreover a female who worked at a public company would be wise to hesitate before openly saying something similar to the above.  This explains why sexually open people are not so easy to find.



If you like what you read, consider supporting it. I work for myself and what pays more bills than my writing remains brutal.

Todd Saws

Lasting Love: The Secret To Long-Term Relationships

Lasting Love: The Secret To Long-Term Relationships

The problem with illusions will always be that disillusionment follows them like a shadow. In order to keep the dream intact we must turn away from reality.

Two young friends in India go of to make their fortunes away from their small village. In the course of years one is accidentally killed. The survivor comes across a wanderer who mentions he is going to the hometown village. The remainder of the pair of friends asks the traveler to convey a message [before cell phones} to each family, tell his own family of his great success and that he will be returning with enough to give them leisure. To the family of the his friend tell them that he died.

In the course of the travel to the village the wanderer confused the names and told the family of the dead man that he had good fortune and or his return. To the clan of the living man was told of his unfortunate death. The wrong family celebrated and the wrong family grieved.

Many things can be derived from this story.

Travel by bullock cart

What people call happiness and misery can be based on untruth. Happiness and misery that rests on what is untrue is under threat from facts. What happens when the living friend comes home.”

via Writeonwater on HuffingtonPost.

Writeonwater: Let’s correct this error with a large unfounded assumption. –>


“Let’s correct this error [Rebeca] with a large unfounded assumption.–> “Sex
is a beautiful exquisite gift between two people who are married.”

It is a beautiful gift for any number of mature people who can enjoy it without harm to themselves or others. When I say harm, I do not refer to emotional uneasiness or idealistic outrage like the kind that was spewed at women for wanting the vote. I mean actual measurable harm. When the people of any number are consenting and don’t cause harm there is NO reason to avoid sex when the opportunity arises regardless of customary legal paperwork.”

via Writeonwater: Let’s correct this error with a large unfounded assumption. –>.