A sexually joyful and generous person can quite possibly enjoy with many others. To expect a woman or man to war with their instinct for the sake of an ideal invites deceit and hypocrisy. Many lovers are eager to believe consoling falsehoods such as monogamy. Plenty of our contemporary’s are motivated to lie because of fear i.e. “If I don’t lie, I won’t get a lover”. These people pretend to conform to the expectations of others. These deceptions are based on the fear, either of not finding a lover or of loss. We must gamble to tell the truth and we wager the judgment of others. People can withdraw admiration and replace it with scorn.
“No amount of license can cure our malaise in sexual matters so long as those who break loose continue to pay lip service to the notions of naughtiness, bawdiness, and sin. These are only the reverse of abstention and asceticism, and nobody can feel them who is not at heart a Puritan still.”
Dora Russell. The Right To Be Happy
Put differently , we cannot fuck our way out of being prude regardless of how wild we act. We can walk without thinking about it, in a similar way our beliefs have become so routine we don’t think of them even when we rely on them. We should remember a vast distance exists between doing something contrary to a prejudice and seeing a belief to be untrue. In the former we need to rationalize, in the latter we need not do anything.
The pleasures people reach out for are not necessarily a measure of their beliefs. If you wish to know what people really think, look to the judgments they seek refuge in when circumstances are disagreeable.
We can either reach for lovers in discovery or limit the meeting to imitation of others we admire or repetition of something that seemed to work sometime somewhere. How often have sweet affections been poisoned with expectations or a tired routine? What arrogance to act as if any experience must be inferior because it occurs outside of an ideal. What hubris to think that the tea-cup of ones own mind can judge the universe of events beyond its limits.
People can change a lot, add to this the multitude of effects our interactions have on each other, from this view the idea that any relationship should be according to forethought smacks of delusion. Even if our wishes are met in a moment should we credit our beliefs to be the cause? Consider a gambler on a winning streak after acquiring a rabbit foot. Then he unfortunately misplaces the paw and also begins to lose. Should this be proof that another bunny shall be slain for the purpose? I find that doubtful. Maybe the fortune had nothing to do with the dismembered parts of a woodland creature. The allegory may appear unfair, but considering instances of divorce plus the despair of many married couples, in that light, traditional beliefs start to look a lot like gambling.
The above criticism suggests that we cannot rely on magical thinking about sexuality. A seasoned captain still accommodates his ship to the sea rather than attempting to control the ocean. Avoidance of deep water can’t guarantee safety. One can drown in a puddle. The ocean can be wild or mild and still no less water. Likewise eros can have some big storms and some are dangerous. If we wish to navigate without harming ourselves or others we should avoid insisting the waves be as we ideally imagined them when we embarked on the journey. Of course our past ideas and experience will be present but that does not obligate us to be slaves to those concepts.
Let’s recognize that sexuality like shoes are unique to individuals and can change as their body does. Wearing shoes that feel good and are suited to the environment seems quite reasonable. We are foolish to reject pleasure when it causes no real harm.
Our sexuality does not exist to serve another person’s expectations or even our own. Just as we modify ourselves to the changing weather we can respond to the changing events in our bodies and the circumstances around us. If we are adapted to the events then what difference does it make if we are wild or mild. Yes. I even said mild! Liberty includes what seems tame too. We need not do anything in particular in the absence of ridiculous prohibitions. Embracing the scope of our sexual capacity doesn’t demand we be at maximum all the time. Nor are we bound to one-up the nearest sexual iconoclast. We can extend openness to others too with understanding that they may have different circumstances then us. Keep in mind people are not just means to our ends but ends unto themselves. When I say people I also mean lovers.
Copyright © Todd Vickers 2013 Vickers Publications
Edit: Grammar and simplify.